Dear baby, The new year begins with fireworks in London to celebrate, according to the Mayor, the city’s relationship with Europe, a knife attack in Manchester, a car driven into New Year’s crowds in Tokyo with intention to kill and abortion legalized in Ireland. You turn your 126th day in the womb. I go home crying and wake at 4.45 to your dad at my door high on cocaine and chewing a lump of hard cheese. You will come roaring and kicking into the world in five months, just as the daffodils begin to wilt, bluebells already faded. I wait for you to kick, a new year event, but there is just the quiet, warm space inside me where you dream of the dark universe of the womb, tiny brain like the Milky Way. You will leave bright comet-tails in your wake. Love, Mummy
At 21, we are brand new! Ish. After surviving school and puberty and our first jobs and our first travels and leaving home, we continue this adventure with a little more knowledge and experience than we first had at 18, but also a little more breakage. A few grazes and scrapes, a few reminders of what happened, of what could have been; we emerge as young adults a little harder than we were as adolescents, a little more scared. Also, in my case, pregnant. So not really brand new. More used, damaged and unwanted now!
So here’s a little about what drew me to the web to voice my sorry tale, and to share how I deal with the misfortunes and joys of life in, generally, a terrible, terrible way. Sort of like an agony aunt, but giving bad advice. Just a modern Western young woman who keeps getting into a pickle to show you what not to do! And if my silly woeful little tales bring anyone any joy, then that’s probably the greatest thing I can achieve. Because this is basically my online therapy, minus the qualified professional…
As soon as I got pregnant (whilst au pairing in Paris), I felt a real drive to start a blog for a number of reasons. Firstly, I found it hard to find anything online that related to me – everything about pregnancy is about being in a loving relationship with a stable job. There was nothing that reflected my story that I could relate to – being young, single, without anywhere to live long-term.
Secondly, I was going through a hard time (a real bit of rotten luck!) – I had just found out my boyfriend was still with his previous girlfriend, and I was moving back home to England without a job, education or anywhere to live. Therefore I felt it was personally important to write everything down, to get my head round everything, and also to help others in a similar situation by letting them know they are not alone.
And thirdly I wanted to create a sort of scrapbook portfolio online. There is no real theme to this blog, except to share my feelings and experiences, so it’s also a great space to put up photos, ideas and arts-and-crafts work for me to look back on and maybe even to give others ideas. I hope this can appeal to lots of young women and men – mums, dads, students, young workers, the unemployed, anyone! – anyone who feels alone and wants to know that there are other people just as lonely and silly and uncertain about everything as they are!
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain – Dolly Parton